Insanity
by yoong
Summary: Goku tried to pay back everyone for his rampage.


Insanity

This is the second, I know there're still many language mistakes needed to be correct. The story happened after the battle with Kougaiji in tankoubon 6.

Insanity

It was dark everywhere, it was so dark that he could rarely see anything. He felt that he stood on the wet slippery ground flooded with strange warm liquid. His nose was full of a sweet smell of that liquid, a kind of smell that made him hungry and thirsty. He went down on his knees, scooped up that liquid with his hands and poured it into his mouth. It tasted good, warm and sweet that pleased him so much. He licked its stain on his fingers. Then, there was a flash of light. He saw someone in front of him, down on his knees and looking straight forwards into his eyes. That guy had glowing golden eyes and long brown hair. He realized at a moment that the guy was his own reflection in the mirror. 'It's me, it's my reflection licking blood..' He stopped, took a look on his hands. There was bloodstain on his hands and blood flooded around himself. To his shock, he saw corpses on the ground-they were Gojyo, Hakkai and _that_ Sanzo…

Goku was suddenly startled from the dream. He sat up on his bed, panted with a loud heart beating. Four days were past since he had taken off his circlet and turned into his natural form-Seiten Taisei Son Goku. The result had been very scary. He had injured everyone. Although, Sanzo had finally woke up, Goku was still in sorrow.

He turned his eyes on the bed beside his. Gojyo lay motionless in the bed. His eyes were closed. Goku gulped saliva down his throat. The boy stood up and leaned over Gojyo to see his face closely. 'Is he breathing?' Goku thought in alarm.

Suddenly, Gojyo's hand reached to Goku's shoulder pulled him down on the mattress as he sat up.

"What the hell are you doing?" Gojyo asked irritably.

"No-nothing," Goku stuttered as he rose to stand on his feet.

Gojyo looked at him unbelievably.

"I-I just," Goku drooped. "…wanted to see that you're alright."

Gojyo blinked in surprise. The monkey boy worried about him so that he had to woke up late in the night to see that he was alright. He stared at Goku but the boy did not meet his eyes right on. Gojyo was annoyed to see shameful Goku.

"Hey," he said. "Look at me, I'm alive you see? I just said in the afternoon that you'd not be too serious. It's not your fault and none of us blame you, so stop being provoking. I'm gonna get a nightmare if I see your wry face any longer!"

Goku turned to glance at Gojyo. His torso was tied up in the bandage. That reminded Goku of what he had done-breaking Gojyo's ribs. How could he be relieved from this feel of guilt?

"Gojyo," he sounded hesitatingly.

"Hmm" Gojyo picked up a cigarette and held it between his lips.

"Punch me."

"Huh?!" Cigarette fell down from Gojyo's lips. He turned his head to stare at Goku. The boy showed him his determined face.

"What're you saying?" Gojyo asked in perplexity.

"I said punch me." Goku insisted. "I mean, whatever you said that it's not my fault, but the truth is unchanged that it's me who hurt you and I-I'll never be relieved if I've not pay for it."

Gojyo looked at him thoughtfully for a while, then said

"You mean that whatever I do to get paid, you're not gonna strike back?"

Goku nodded.

"Well," Gojyo stood up and then lowered his head to smack Goku's lips. To Goku's shock, Gojyo's tongue shoved to open his mouth and then—

"Ow!!" Gojyo opened his mouth choked as Goku punched against his stomach hardly.

"Shit, fucking brat, you said that you'd not strike back!" Gojyo snarled.

"What the hell did you do, perverted kappa? I let you punch me not bite me!" Goku yelled in turn.

Then, the door was opened. Hakkai came into the room with wonder shown in his face.

"What's the matter?" He asked, perplexed to see Gojyo and Goku started a fight at this time.

"He bit me!" Goku said indignantly with blood trickled from his lips.

"He asked for it himself." Gojyo answered Hakkai's wondering glare.

Hakkai sighed patiently, "You should better stop that. Sanzo's wakened up and he's really in a bad mood."

Goku stopped immediately. There was a little grunt form Gojyo as he lay down on the bed. He murmured, "I've got my pay already, you don't owe me any more. And I'm gonna get my sleep right now." Goku was about to say but Gojyo closed his eyes shut down the conversation.

Hakkai smiled at Gojyo and turned to Goku. "Oh, you're bleeding." His eyes focussed on Goku's face. The boy wiped his mouth with his right fist.

"Lemme heal your wound." Hakkai put his right hand on Goku's left shoulder.

"It's not a problem." Goku refused.

"Goku," Hakkai said gently. "If you feel that you owe me something, you can pay for it by being obedient for a while." He smiled. Goku gave in. He followed Hakkai out of the room. They went to the balcony. Hakkai picked up a tube of medicine. He got some medicine on his fore finger and applied on Goku's lips.

"Ow! It smarts." Goku winced and then murmured, " Anyhow, it made me feel better."

'He still feels guilty of that event.' Hakkai mused. Goku looked up the moon upon the sky with his back towards Hakkai. His shoulders shook a little. Hakkai came to Goku's back and hugged him tenderly. He lowered his head to see Goku's face.

"Don't worry, everything's fine."

"I-I.." Goku stuttered.

"What? Let say it what's in your mind and you'll feel better." Hakkai assured him.

"I fear," the boy's voice was quivered. "I couldn't remember what I've done but I could feel, I know the insane youkai's not anybody, but myself. He is me and perhaps my real self." He stopped. Hakkai could see shadows of fear in his golden eyes.

"I know." Hakkai soothed him.

"You don't know." Goku said in pique. "I dreamt that I killed you, all of you, I could remember a feel of blood on my hands and its taste on my tongue, and I was very fond of it. I felt it though I was startled from that dream…"

"I'm gonna be insane!" Goku yelled desperately.

"Hey," Hakkai tightened his hug. "It's only a dream, you didn't kill me. I'm alive, everyone's alive."

"-And it's ok to be insane." Goku raised his head to look into Hakkai's eyes in perplexity. Hakkai smiled calmly.

"You're normal being insane." Hakkai started explanation. "Everyone has insanity inside his own self. I, Gojyo, even Sanzo-we're insane too, so that we can live on earth."

"The point is that how to live with your insanity. You can't turn away from your dark side because it's part of yourself, if you turn away from it, you're turning away from your being."

Goku stared momentarily as he digested Hakkai's narration.

"Then, how should I do?" He asked in wonder.

"You know it." Hakkai said. "Be strong and you're able to live with your insanity. You used to say that you'd get strong, didn't you?"

Goku nodded.

"So, believe in your strength that you can control your insanity and believe in our strength that we won't die too easily. Do you believe?"

"Yes, I do." Goku answered firmly. Hakkai saw that the shadows faded away from his eyes. Then, there was a sound of footstep. Sanzo came in with his expressionless gaze. Hakkai let go of Goku's body. He stepped back and smiled.

"Well, it's time to sleep." He went to the path. "Good night."

"Good night." Goku said.

There were only Sanzo and Goku standing at the balcony now. Sanzo looked at Goku in silence. Goku took a breath in deeply, he had to be strong to control himself, or at least, to meet Sanzo's eyes with no shame.

"Did I waken you?" Goku asked.

"Damn!" Sanzo said in a hard voice. "Anybody could sleep with your idiotic rampage?"

"It's not my fault," Goku excused. "Gojyo started it, he bit me…"

"Ow!" Sanzo hit Goku's head with his paper fan.

"You wakened me up with your noises and said that it's not your fault?!"

"Ok, it's me, it's my fault." Goku cried.

Sanzo lit a cigarette and smoked. They were in silence momentarily.

"Sanzo" Goku grabbed Sanzo's arm.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry." Goku murmured. "I always make troubles.."

"Silly," Sanzo exhaled cigarette's smoke. "I don't and won't let anything trouble me, even you. So no need to apologize. One day, if you trouble me, I'll _kill_ you, get it?" Sanzo was Sanzo, he assured Goku in his way, staring at the boy with his emotionless eyes that, somehow, made Goku feel convinced and secure.

'Believe in your strength and believe in ours.'

"Yeah, get." Goku replied with smile.

He would be strong, stronger to live with his insanity and even if he failed, they could stop him.

March 5, 2001

yoong' 


End file.
